Tag: listening

What Is Power: Three Understandings of Power in Society

Photo Credit: Aarón Blanco Tejedor

I have spoken to two friends who each have offered an interesting take on what it means to be in a position of power in society. 

One friend said that he sometimes thinks of power in terms of who has to bear the consequences of mistakes: Those who are powerful in society (whether through wealth, status, clout, etc.) only have to suffer from their own mistakes; whereas, a less powerful person is someone much more they likely will have to suffer from both their mistakes and the mistakes of those who have power over them. 

I find this to be true: the more marginalized in society can often be disproportionately hurt by the bad decisions of others, whether that be governmental policies, managers/employers, or whoever. 

Another friend added that the powerful are often shielded from their own mistakes. The wealthy can often afford to make more mistakes with their money and still have more resources to try again, for example. Often those with lower incomes have less leniency to take risks and make mistakes. And when the extremely powerful make mistakes, governments or society itself can often swoop in to save them, considering their success necessary for society to keep going. The less powerful usually get no such luxury. 

So, power can offer protection from the mistakes of others and also a cushion from your own mistakes: a type of protective layer if you will. 

In addition to liking both of these definitions, I also see power in terms of being forced to understand the perspectives of others in order to be successful in your endeavors in life. Those with less power are often forced to have to understand and consider the perspectives of those with power over them in order to meet their own goals. 

The powerful can remain ignorant of what those with less power than them think. They don’t have to consider others’ perspective to be successful in what they seek. 

And many with power don’t: they never cultivate the skills necessary to listen to, learn from, and incorporate the perspective of those with less power than them, because they don’t have to. In some cases, overtime, they don’t foster the skills of listening or empathy, becoming used to dictating to others who listen to them. 

For them, listening is a choice, in contrast to those with less power for whom listening is often a necessity. Thus, the powerful’s listening skills can atrophy over the course of their lives because they do not choose to cultivate it. 

All of these definitions have merits, approaching the similar aspects of what it means to have power from different angles. Each demonstrates the nuances of how power shields people from the harmful impacts of others and oneself like a protective bubble. And from each, there is something important to learn. 

No matter where you are in life, it can be important to choose to listen and do what it takes to learn from the perspectives of others. Like the first definition implies, this includes thinking about how your actions may hurt or otherwise negatively impact those around you. If you are in a position where you are not doing that regularly, that could likely be because you actually have a type of power in that situation. If you are not intentionally listening to others and incorporating them into your life, then you should start doing so, before those skills atrophy. 

 Listening to Your Inner 5-Year Old

Too many adults think that being a healthy, functioning adult requires suppressing their inner child. Our inner child is trying to find a state in which our needs are met, and we should be attune to the child within us and learn from him or her.

This is particularly important when your inner child is throwing a tantrum. Instead of just saying, “No, these feelings are bad; I need to move on from them,” pausing and determining why our inner child is upset may be more beneficial. What need does he or she feel is not being met? Learning about that needs tells you something about yourself and how you are relating to the world around you.

As an adult, you have more tools to decide the best way to meet that need. Needs are very rarely invalid, though, so usually there is a grain of truth to what your inner child is screaming.

Maybe there is a more productive way to meet your needs. To meet their need for attention, little children, for example, may scream and shout in a tantrum, but your adult self may know better, more productive ways to develop relationships that meet one’s need for attention and love. At the same time, as an adult, you can better understand and evaluate why you have a need for attention in the first place: what may be lurking underneath that in your psyche like a loved one you felt betrayed you or whose affections were insincere. From that, you can find a way to work on the root cause at the source.

Little children usually have not developed the ability to do any of this work, but your adult self has more tools to analyze the situation and come out with an appropriate, life-affirming strategy for how to meet your needs. Your adult self also has more tools to advocate for your needs in the world, whether that be constructive conversations with those around you about how you feel or moving into environments that might better meet your needs.

Like a canary in the coal mine, though, your inner child will tell you quickly and persistently that you seem to have an unmet need, often before your adult self realizes it. The two can work together then. Your child to alert you to your unmet needs, and your adult self to diagnose why and come up with an effective way to meet them.