Reflections on life, the world, and society. Come explore with me.
I am about to leave for a camping trip from September 10th until October 28th during which I will not have consistent internet access. Thus, I will not post my weekly postings. I hope to resume posting around October 22nd, 2025.
You would think that those who make more money would have less financial troubles, but in many cases, you would be wrong. In surveys, people with higher income often report living from paycheck to paycheck.
This is because many wealthier people succumb to income inflation. This is a common human phenomena where those who make more money spend more on more expensive items and thus feel the need to make even more money. The millionaire struggling to afford the payments to keep his private airplane fueled, if you will.
Why does this happen? In short, because when many people make more money, they get a sense that they should live it up, buying more and more things. This can creep slowly and before you know it, one is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on simple payments.
Whether you are wealthy or of modest means, these are three tricks to counteract this tendency:
The first is to think about what you really want in your life. Too often people assume that because they are wealthier, they should want and do the things that other wealthier people seem to want to and do: to buy a big house in whatever neighborhood is considered “nice,” buy expensive clothes, eat out at fancy restaurants, etc. But are these things you actually want?
It is reasonable to shell out more for better quality or for the things one truly desires in life, but most of the time, more expensive does not mean better quality. Many luxury brands are not better in quality; they are just more expensive, and to a point, many fancier restaurants similarly do not have a similar increase in quality. In situations where the more expensive product has a useful feature for you, it can be worth it to pay more for it, but most often, restaurants or stores that charge more do so because people think of more expensive products as better, not because they are actually better.
Similarly, buy only the specifications that you need. This can include durability: paying a little more for something that will last a long time costs less money in the long run than having to replace it down the line. If you only need a normal computer with normal processing, shelling out thousands of dollars for the latest high-end portable “supercomputer” does not make sense. Some people (like software engineers) may need those specifications, but if you are not one of those people, don’t worry about it. Marketers often convince us to buy products beyond what they actually need.
Second, don’t buy on credit. People should not do this unless they absolutely have to, and those who are making higher incomes do not have to. (The less well-off often get trapped into buying on credit, crippling them with debt, but that is a topic for another article.) Spend the money you have, nothing more and nothing less. I am even hesitant to get out a loan and pay for expensive purchases: purchase what you can afford right now. If you are buying something that takes years to pay back, consider whether that thing is worth being overworked in a crappy yet well-paid job with an obnoxious boss to complete your payments, because that is in effect what you are doing. For example, would you rather have a cheaper used car that still gets you around but retire early? I have a friend who bought a second home in the countryside, which he never visits. Was it really worth it to him to have to work several decades to own a place he doesn’t do much with? No. It was self-defeating: to pay for his new home, he had to work a job that never gave him the free time to enjoy the home in the first place. Many major expenses like cars and a new home may not be worth sacrificing the majority of one’s life to.
Buying experiences like traveling to new parts of the world or having adventures can be a fulfilling yet strategic use of one’s wealth. If you can afford a few thousand dollars, spending it on a trip to some new part of the world you have never been to is likely a far more spiritually enriching use of money than using it for the first month’s down payment on a bigger house in another part of town. If your circumstances change, you can always claw back on experiences, but a mortgage locks you in for decades.
Finally, think for yourself about what is important for you and what you value. Many wealthier people simply enact the narratives of what it means to be wealthy they see around them consciously or subconsciously. They think, “Oh being wealthier means, I get a big house and a fancy car, eat fine foods,” and so on. This traps them into a certain lifestyle where they must work a very selective number of positions that can pay for such a lifestyle. What do you truly find meaningful? It may not be wearing fancy jewelry, and it may not be living in the standard place every other wealthy person lives in.
Like many humans, many wealthy people live with a type of insecurity, as if they have to prove their value to others. This can lead to them showing off their wealth as a sign of their status. “Look at me; I made it.” For those like this, their problem is internal: they need to work on themselves and figure out why they don’t value who they are. If they did value who they are, they would realize how useless and fleeting the approval of others (especially strangers they don’t know) actually is.
For others, they buy the things other wealthy people seem to buy rather than think through what they value and actually want in life. Unsurprisingly, these social expectations are ever expanding: companies will always present us with another thing we need to get until we stop listening to them. Pausing and thinking for yourself about what you actually want knocks us off of that treadmill.
I hope this helps in thinking about how to deal with income inflation. Don’t follow others with means into this trap. Swim against the current of our society telling us to spend spend spend and figure out how to enjoy your life on your own terms.
A man sits in his office, bored at the task he has been given. As he types, he gazes out the window and notices a flying pink elephant looking at him.
Confused, he walks over to the window to investigate, but as he approaches, the elephant disappears. But once he got to the window, he noticed her at the corner of the building across the street waving for him to come join her.
He opened the window and left. He could fly. He flew far away from his job, never turning back.
A little girl was holding a handful of balloons, but let go. Excited to be free, they all flew into the sky.
One, though, was even more excited than the others, and shot up within the pack. When a wind current knocked the rest down back to earth, it missed the current and soared high above them.
“Where are you going?” The others asked.
“I will ascend to the highest reaches of the heavens!”
And ascend it did. It marveled at the view, rising higher and higher over the earth. Suddenly, its skin cranked in the colder air, and it shriveled up into a raison, falling harshly back down towards the earth.
Traveling the world, I have been to a lot of places. This is a basic guide to how to stay safe in a city environment considered “unsafe.” I will focus on how to avoid being targeted for a petty crime like muggings or other theft while physically on the street, not organized or systematic crime like gang violence or political unrest. Petty crime is what a traveler is most likely to encounter when visiting a new city.
How to avoid being a target of petty crime:
In most places with safety issues, local residents will warn you and otherwise advise you on how to conduct yourself. For example, in some cities, multiple people have told me not to take your phone out on the street for fear that someone will nab it. If you make friends in the place, you can also ask them their opinion, but because some people may have unrealistic or false impressions, it’s often best to ask multiple people if possible, to cross-reference with multiple perspectives. People naturally want to help others. Their advice is golden, because they know far more about the specifics of the place than you do as a traveler.
In my experience, many outsiders to a city have stereotyped and otherwise false views of how dangerous a city or neighborhood is. Maybe, they hear tons of horror stories on the news, not realizing that is far from the daily life of someone living in or visiting that space. That said, the best way to determine whether a place has issues with safety is to talk to people who live there. It is not perfect; residents can also have a biased conception of the place they live, but given that this is their reality, their opinions are far better than yours.
You should also listen to (or look at) how others conduct themselves in that space. One of the most important ways to stay safe from petty crime like theft is to not stand out. There is little you can do if you physically look different (say you are a different race than most people there), but even in such situations, walking and otherwise moving your body like you are a person who lives there, casually going about their day. Registering as someone who lives there significantly decreases the likelihood of being targeted. In addition to giving you practical actions you can take to avoid being targeted, residents’ advice often implicitly helps you blend in and seem like you belong there.
For example, while on the bus, subway, waiting at the bus stop, or walking down the street, etc., do most people around you (not counting any obvious tourists) have their phones out doing whatever? If so, you are probably safe doing the same. If not, however, then it’s probably best to keep your phone in your pocket as well.
Do people walk fast like they know where they are going (common in big cities)? Do people keep their heads down? Do people say hello to everyone they see walking down the street? I have seen urban neighborhoods with high crime adapt both extremes as a way to cope.
In most big cities, people walk fast and intently, so in many city environments, the best way to avoid being targeted is to look like you know where you are going. It doesn’t matter whether you actually know where you are going; simply walk as if you do. Walking fast, with intent in your step, and not like you are deciding which way to go at each intersection helps with this. In large cities like New York City, this is the default way most people move.
To walk with intent, the most important trick is to pretend like you know what you are doing and not to stop or gawk at the scenery for too long unless you absolutely need to (yes, you can still look at cool buildings and other scenery without stopping or gawking in an obvious manner). Even if you are just aimlessly wandering, set up checkpoints in your mind and walk to them. Decide you are going to walk to that corner or that store not too far away. Walk straight to it like that’s your goal, and then on your way over, pick a new one. Don’t stop and decide where to go; decide as you reach the destination, so you continue moving once you get there, even if it’s arbitrary. If you need to wait to see what is around the corner to decide, then continue moving while you are deciding what to do with the new information.
What if you realize you have been going the wrong way and need to turn around? That is the hardest thing to do when you want to look like you know where you are going, but it happens all the time when you are new to a place (even when I have lived in a city for a long time, I still get lost there). If you need to turn around, do it assertively, not like you are indecisive. That’s key. In many places, you are fine just stopping where you are, turning around, and just walking the other way. Just do it quickly and decisively with intent in your body. Once you are walking the other direction, keep walking at a brisk speed like that was the direction you were walking all along.
If you sense that you are in a significantly less safe place, you can cross the street and then start walking the opposite direction. Unless someone is specifically watching you during the couple seconds it takes to do that, then most people will not even notice that you turned around. In an extreme, worst-case scenario, the best bet would be to duck into some business, wait there for about 30 seconds to a minute (or longer if you are in real danger), and then walk out going the opposite direction. Then, anyone who saw you before will think of you as having gone into that business to buy something, and then when you come out, anyone who sees you now just sees you going about your business after visiting a store. Pretty normal.
If you need to take out your phone to determine where you are going, I find it best to keep walking while checking your phone. Be aware of your surroundings when walking with your phone out to make it look like you know where you are going but are just checking a text or something, and then put it away once you are done. This is rare, and I only need to do this when my GPS is making some kind of error, which I can check for in under a few seconds. Be aware of your surroundings and do it when someone is not near you, on the sidewalk well away from the road where someone can nab your phone as they drive by.
I wouldn’t do that for longer than a second or two, not only for fear of someone taking it, but also because it’s good to look in front of you when you walk. So, if you need more time to look at your phone’s map to reorient, it’s best to stop and go into a business where you can take your phone out for longer. Maybe a convenient store, cafe, or something like that. There, you can take the time you need to get your bearings. In an extreme scenario where you still feel threatened while in the story, I may go into a locked public restroom away from others entirely. If you walk with intent, most people will assume you were just going to that shop or cafe, not knowing you ducked into there to figure out where on earth you ended up and how to get to your destination.
If you can, keep precious items in one’s top pockets near one’s hips (not your butt pocket where someone can easily nap it without you noticing). If you are like me and often wear cargo shorts, in places where theft is a problem, you should not put your wallet, phone, or other valuables in the lower, cargo pockets because they are much more stealable. If you are carrying a backpack, keep it over your chest, and any purse or other bag over your shoulder or front waist, so you can keep an eye on it. Anything you are carrying behind you is easier for someone to stab open with a knife and make a run for it.
In areas where theft is a concern, I minimize the amount of valuable goods I bring. I generally always need my phone and wallet throughout the day, but I don’t generally bring my laptop, an extra camera, or other goods unless I feel like I absolutely need them for a specific activity. In some neighborhoods, these are fine, but others not. This would also apply to expensive jewelry or other wearables if I owned any, but they are not my style personally.
Further, I minimize how much I need to get out such items. For money, I often take out enough cash from my wallet to pay for things like lunch, snacks, or other daily items and keep it separately in my pocket. That way, I can pay for daily needs like public transit or food without getting out my wallet, especially in an open market or other public space. For any city that I need to swipe a special public transit card to ride the bus or subway, I also keep that card out, separate from my wallet for ease of use. Keep in your pockets other small items you may need while walking down the street, like a few tissues so that you can blow your nose without having to open your bag to find them.
Google Maps, for example, does walking directions. Put on headphones and turn its GPS on like you would driving directions. It will tell you when you need to turn, but to anyone else on the street, you look like you are listening to headphones. Listening to headphones actually helps you seem like someone who lives there simply going about your day. It will tell you when to turn as you walk, preventing you from having to constantly get out your phone to make sure you are going the correct direction or not miss a turn. Occasionally, you may need to double check the map if it is misfiring in some way, but that is rare, and in my experience, these checks are often brief; just checking to make sure I need to go left, right, or straight here.
Most often, I will turn on directions to where I am going when I am in a safe place before I leave, put in my headphones, and then go onto the street ready to go. You can also listen to music, a podcast, or whatever else while you walk, or be in complete silence. That’s up to you. Just make sure you are still able to hear enough to not get sneaked up on.
I hope this helps you stay safe in urban neighborhoods. Crime can be an issue in some cities around the world, but they are an overcomable one if you know what you are doing. Most cities are still worth visiting despite the low chance of crime. Most people who live there don’t experience any problems on most days, and these precautions help you make sure you are among the many there who have a wonderful day there.
I have discovered that I love photography, especially of taking pictures of the beautiful landscapes as I travel the world. I started to realize when I would get overexcited and bombard my poor friends with dozens of pictures of beautiful landscapes a day, obsessed with showing each new angle of the places I visit.
I have heard many people complain about how taking pictures when they are traveling removes them from the moment. For them, it’s a type of addictive trap that ultimately worsens their vacation experience. They end up spending their time only thinking about the next photograph.
I do not doubt that taking pictures can have that impact on them, but my experience has been the opposite: photography helps me stay in the moment and appreciate the environment in new ways.
Photography forces me to slow down and experience new angles of the places I visit. When I walk around thinking about pictures, I notice the small things. The ways the trees curve in the wind or the shape the rocks form against the hillside. By trying to figure out new and interesting photographs, I experience the environment in a new way. Recently, I have been doing photography walks, where I walk around and try to find interesting photographs to take as I go, stopping every few meters or yards to take a picture. I notice the little quiet moments, whether in nature or in a city, that I would otherwise breeze right by. It helps keep me in the moment.
I also find photography creatively exhilarating. I have aphantasia, which means that I cannot visualize images in my mind. Thus, I often struggled with most forms of visual art. With drawing, for example, I cannot see what I am creating until I start drawing it, in contrast to skilled drawers visualize in their minds what the piece will look like and then start drawing it step-by-step.
With photography, I can bring a piece of aesthetically pleasing artwork by positioning the camera in innovative angles and other ways to tell a compelling visual story. For example, I may set up the lines created by rivers, mountains, and other scenery so that they move towards the corner of the shot because this lack of “conclusion” causes my mind to follow the lines passed the picture, often giving a feeling of curiosity and wonder. I am quite literally creating it right before my eyes.
Maybe this is just me, but whether you do so with photography or something else, you should try to find new ways to explore the places you inhabit. Often all it takes is a little bit of ingenuity to imagine a new way to engage the world around you.
When you are traveling the world, sometimes you have to stay in hostels. As someone who generally does not like sleeping in the same room as someone else, I find it happens a lot less than you think: in most places, there are single room hotels or Airbnbs available within my budget, but that’s not always the case. Here are the pros and cons of staying in hostels specifically for someone like me less accustomed to it and maybe a little skeptical of the whole idea:
1) Cost: Their obvious advantage is that they are cheap. I remember in New Zealand, the difference was between under USD$10 a night to $80-100 a night in many places, making it worth it. Most places have more of a middle ground, but almost everywhere the cheapest place to stay off the street itself is a hostel.
2) Meeting New People: You can meet fellow travelers. Hostels can provide a nice social setting for fellow travelers. If you read other blogs and forums from digital nomads or other travelers, meeting new people who are also traveling is the most commonly cited reason people list for staying at hostels other than the cost.
At the same time, if you mostly meet people at hostels, you are generally meeting tourists or other travelers, not locals. This can lead to a bubble. This seemed most pronounced in Nonwestern countries where I noticed many hostels would be an oasis for Westerners to mostly hang out with themselves rather than get to know the people in the culture where they were visiting. Some hostels offered “cultural experiences,” but these were artificial introductions rather than just making friends with the people in that place. I found that where you hang out is where you will meet people, so the better way to meet someone was to get an Airbnb by yourself in the part of town where tourists were less likely to gravitate. That way, those around you are mostly those from the culture you are in, so you are more likely to take the cross-cultural hurdle of talking with them rather than staying in your Western bubble.
3) Falling Asleep: I found it easier to sleep than I thought. I worried that I would not be able to fall or stay asleep given potential noise or activity by others, but this was not as big of an issue as I first expected. In some places it was an initial problem, but I was generally able to fall asleep okay, whether the light in the room was on or whether there were others in the room doing stuff as I fell asleep. Two places were an exception because of the degree of activity late at night (which I will discuss in more detail Con #4).
1) No Private Space: After many days, I wanted a quiet place to unwind in the evening. In some hostels, there was a place where I could hide out when needed, but in many, that was not possible. The constant movement of others could eat at me slowly overtime. One night was generally okay, for example, but not having the ability to be by myself overtime influenced my ability to vegetate, decompress, and otherwise be myself. I was rarely forced into an interaction I did not want but not having space dedicated to me made it more difficult to unwind. It also made more private activities that I do not want someone potentially looking over my shoulder while doing, such as checking personal finances, making personal calls, etc. more difficult.
2) Worry about Theft: Theft is a worry. A few people in the hostels I stayed report having their stuff stolen. Only a few hostels had personal lockers where you could lock your stuff, but it could not usually fit all valuables. This could range from food to precious electronic equipment, and range from theft of stuff temporarily left around to break into locked lockers. In most cases, I had a rental car, so I generally left my stuff locked in my car. That worked, but when traveling, one does not always have a rental car.
This is a probability game. Even if it’s a low probability that my stuff would get stolen, if I stayed at hostels everyday I traveled, each day it is more likely to happen. Even if there is a 1% chance of it happening on a given day, after spending 100 days in hostels, the chances of it happening to you at least once is pretty high. It only takes one moment to loose something valuable to mess with your life. Because of this reason in particular, I do not plan to stay at hostels unless I absolutely have to and preferably if I have a rental car for storage.
3) Noise: Some hostels are rather loud. This depended on the environment, but in my experience, they ranged from rather quiet and chill on the one extreme to common rooms full of talkative people (difficult if this is the only place where you can do work) to one where guests routinely partied until around 1:00 am. This could be a major problem, although even in the latter, I personally was still able to fall asleep at the end of the day.
4) Far Away Bathrooms: Surprising con, but most often you have to walk a far distance to go to the bathroom. This stinks for me since I personally wake up a few times in the middle of the night to visit the toilet.
5) Difficulty Running Electronics at Night: As a data scientist, I often run stuff on my computer overnight, and this is not possible in a hostel, unless you kept those devices in bed with you as you sleep and hoped you didn’t turnover in the night and squash it by accident or something like. This was surprisingly agonizing for me, who is accustomed to frequently running programs that can take several hours to complete.
Overall, I would say that hostels were not as awful as I expected. They are doable (best to choose one with a security guarantee such as locked boxes for your stuff), but I still only do them sparingly. I handled staying in hostels for the better part of a month and a half, but let’s just say it was not ideal and only do. If needed, I could sleep in one for a few nights here and there, but I would only do so if I had no better option.
Traveling can encourage a certain type of nihilism. Often every few weeks (or sometimes every few days), you are in a new place. This can produce a constant sense of churn, kind of like a time loop movie, where you constantly reexperience new things and a new setting of people going about their lives. You don’t usually stay in a place long enough to experience the long-term consequences of your actions or to develop roots. Thus, like some of Phil’s benders in “Groundhog Day,” you could, in theory, live as hedonistically as you would like (as long as you do not break any laws) if you really wanted to. Pure hedonism was never really my thing, but I could understand its pull on many travelers.
Each new place starts to fit into the standard pattern of all other locations. You end up looking at people going about their lives, removed from the signals of meaning that ground most humans in their daily lives. You technically don’t need to wake up at a certain time (unless you choose to impose that on yourself), go to work at a certain time, or otherwise follow the rhythms that produce the structure for most people’s lives.
Likewise, you are not connected in the web of relationships that many encounter in their daily life. Instead, you witness an endless stream of new people you meet along the way. If you do not click with a certain person or even those in an entire community, you can simply move on to another place. This produces the advantages of flexibility. You are not stuck with the same people over and over again like how many people are forced to tolerate their neighbors for years on end. This allows you to be yourself. At the same time, though, you are presented with endless choices and often do not have to experience the social consequences of social sanctions for your actions.
All of this can give the feel of endless cycles, leading to a type of nihilism. I can understand Phil’s “whatever” attitude in Groundhog Day much better after experiencing tons of new places in rapid succession. After a while of being in new places again and again, it can feel about the same after a while. What do you want to do today? Whatever you want. Some days that is a grand adventure, but others it’s sitting on the couch and doing nothing. It’s all been done before, and any grand adventure is probably similar to ones you have already done many times.
I call nomad nihilism. It’s the dark side of flexibility. After a while, you can start to feel meh about the specifics of where you are (the new people you meet, the new sites you see, and so on) since to you, it’s all been done before.
Unlike in Groundhog Day, you are in new places, which can produce new dynamics. This only goes so far and eventually these small novelties start to compress into a singular lull. Within this, though, lies the start of the solution.
You still take some things with you, however: your memories, photographs and any other physical or written artifacts, and most importantly, any relationships you made along the way. These grounded me against the meaningless lull of novelty. Notice these are mostly the positives of the places you have been to: the people you clicked with and maybe form a lasting friendship with, not those who never clicked with; the beautiful photographs of the places you found interesting, not the ugly places or tourist traps you wouldn’t go back to again, etc. Except for memories, which are always with us no matter how harmful, you have the choice, meaning you can focus exclusively on the positives.
This produces a significantly different dynamic than regular, settled life. On the one hand, you have significantly greater control to craft the experience that works best for you. You can decide where in the world to go, what to visit in each place, and when to interact with others in a locale with less “intrusions” into your time by others than in settled life. At the same time, this means your decisions do more to craft the experience you have. That day, you can choose to be hypersocial and speak with tons of people you can, or you can choose to be a hermit talking to no one (or anywhere in between).
Over time, your choices influence your overall experience over the long-run. If you choose to focus on yourself or your work in the short term, that is often fine, but if you do that all the time, you run the risk of never finding time for those around you and creating an overall less immersive, less vibrant experience for yourself. The freedom to craft your own experience comes with more responsibility as you are often what stands in the way of living your joy.
Constantly changing environments can also help you see the arbitrary constructions of human existence. Constantly witnessing new environments with new variations of the human experiences can make you notice the parameters that form normal human affairs, whether that be a conversation or seeing how a specific community celebrates a particular holiday. This removes some of the “magic” of normal life that someone may experience if they only lived within one community. The external world losing some of its muster can make retreating into your own world more appealing.
It seemingly hyperindividualizes you. Our society glorifies being completely able to choose when and how you interact with others, and traveling the world is an ultimate manifestation of that. You both learn much more about humanity from seeing the diversity of experiences around the world, and you have the freedom to construct the experiences that you want. It enables you to see the strings that hold communities together, but such a removed perspective can also feel distancing, reducing community to the assemblage of specific factors. To work through its cons, you must figure out how to take time to engage with the communities in which you are in.
You ultimately need a balance between solitude and external. You need to explore, learn new things, and meet new people. These relationships, in particular, help center us, both who we are and how we regulate our emotions. You also need to relax and rest. Finally, creativity is crucial too: I agree with the Youtuber Sisphysus55 that art or creativity is the ultimate solution to burnout. Producing whether for others, just ourselves, serious, or whimsical helps reorient ourselves as well. I found these three to be the pillars of overcoming nihilism: relationships, rest, and creativity.
Hello,
I wanted to write a letter to clear things up. I am quite possibly the most misunderstood person you will meet. Most people fear me, but I’m not scary. I am the one who helps you pursue what is most important in life. I am the End, yes, but the end is what makes the journey a journey. Without it, you would no real reason to focus on what is most important, nor acceptance of what you have. By establishing finiteness, I establish value.
I know very well what it is like to be feared. This is the standard way humans misunderstand me. I have dealt with it for millennia. What I didn’t anticipate was your corporations. They drain bits and pieces of my essence for their profit, all in the effort to give others cheap profit. Momentary happiness or release to hook people into an addiction in which I slowly drain them into me. The endless machine of more and more is ever consuming. It will only expand to engulf your world and everything in it.
What is truly shocking to me is how these humans who drain the life of others for their own profit don’t really gain much of anything in the process. These vampires are too wasting their life. They just spend their life trying to make more instead of enjoying what they have. Addicted to money and the gain for more more more each quarter, they remake their consumers into their own vampiric image. They also leave their employees husks of their former selves, only able to consume with the little energy and money they have. Take me as a purist, but this bends the very foundation of what I am.
So take this my warning. Embrace death so that you can embrace life, but if you embrace this, you are embracing nothing but a shadowy existence that is neither.
Yours truly,
Death
You can learn about some by the questions they ask. You not only learn what people think but more importantly, what people want to know about the world around them. This provides a window into who they are.
Here are a few common patterns of question askers to look out for:
1) Those who ask confirming questions:
When talking with you, these people ask questions to confirm what they already suspect. This can be a sign that they primarily resonate with their own past experiences.
Confirming questions are often close-ended, even yes/no questions. Examples might include:
“Oh you went to Italy. Did you like the pasta? I heard it was fantastic there.”
“Was that exam easy? I found that exam easy when I took it last year.”
These people expect a certain thing to be true, and only ask questions based on their past experiences or what they have heard to be the case. Obviously they may be wrong. For the above questions, maybe you found that exam difficult or did not enjoy or eat much pasta in Italy.
Habitually asking close-ended questions can demonstrate a retrospective orientation: they often consciously or subliminally are thinking about their past experiences, whether their own experiences or the experiences they have heard from others. Either way, their mental process for these questions often involves determining parallels from past experiences and using that to determine what must be the case for you in your situation.
2) Those who ask questions about facts
Another type of question asker asks about the facts or specific details of the situation, including the “who”, “what”, “when”, and “where”. For personal stories, their questions may focus on the details of the environment or on people’s external behavior rather than trying to understand internally what people were thinking or feeling.
Examples:
“What color was the car that cut you off?”
“What was the name of the town you visited?”
“What did she look like?”
Sometimes they can feel like detectives, uncovering the details for their police report. Sometimes a few of these questions can be helpful to understand to grasp what happened, but for emotionally intense experiences, for example, too many factual follow-up questions can form a type of distraction.
It can show a fixation of surface-level facts over emotional experiences. I often find these questions most frequently asked by people who are less likely to discuss feelings, preferring a more distant, action-oriented veneer.
3) Those who ask questions about feelings
Talking to this type of person can feel like you are talking to a therapist:
“How did that make you feel?”
“How do you feel about that now?”
“What was it like having that happen to you?”
In regular conversation, I find these less common than Type 2, but I still encounter them from time to time. They focus on how you feel and often seek to sympathize or empathize with your experience. I personally usually really enjoy these questions and frequently ask them, but some who are not used to talking about their emotions may find it overwhelming. This type tends to want to focus on and understand your subjective experience as a fellow human.
4) Those who ask questions about ideas
This type intellectualizes pretty much anything you are talking about. A philosophical conversation about the theory or social implications of the phenomena may seem like their favorite kind of conversation.
I will often see people who do this abstracting the specific things you are discussing into a broader theme to then discuss the merits of in the abstract (e.g. “I’m sorry you got broken up. What do you think the ideal person would look like for you?”). Some people may enjoy moving the conversation into such an abstract direction, but sometimes, it can also detract from the specific experience you want to talk about.
Some may also generalize to understand the social implications of the specific topic at hand (e.g. “I’m sorry that you had that experience during your last doctor’s visit. How do you think we should change the healthcare system to help prevent that from happening again?”). Doing this can veer the conversation close to “politics”, which may or may not be a good thing depending on the conversation.
People who ask these questions tend to themselves be abstract thinkers, those who generally prefer thinking about more theoretical rather than tangible topics.
5) Those who do not ask any questions at all
When speaking in one-on-one conversations, this type is the easiest to spot. They simply stand there listening to when you are done talking and do not ask any questions at all.
This group has two subtypes:
A) Those who seem to prefer to not talk at all: They may not ask any follow-up questions. That can mean they were not interested in talking with you or about that topic, whether they weren’t interested in talking with you specifically or they do not like talking in general.
B) Those who ask one or two simple questions (most often confirmation questions of what they already think like the first group) before ending the conversation. They also may not be interested in talking with you, but sometimes I will see people who seem genuinely interested in talking about the topic but not be able to ask more than one or two follow-up questions about the topic. This can mean they are an internal processor and may need your help guiding them through what about the topic you two should explore in more detail.
C) Those who, instead of asking follow-up questions, wait until you are done talking (or interrupt you) and go into their own point or story. Everyone can do this from time to time, but people who habitually do this often are not listening. Without being aware of it, they think of themselves and their experiences first and foremost.
6) Those who ask open-ended questions
This final group can be the most interesting but also the most complex. They usually ask follow-up questions, whether about your feelings, thoughts, or ideas of your topic. Good follow-up questions keep you within your own thought process and prompt you to explore it in more depth, but sometimes people will also ask open-ended follow-up questions that seek to extend or move your point or story to a related topic.
Examples:
“What do you think of what he did?”
“How would you have approached that differently if it happened to you now?”
“How has your perspective on that changed over time?”
They often have a genuine interest in understanding your perspective, but these questions can often be the most complex to answer, since they require you to think through how you would answer them.